Harry Potter and the Power of Axe
by TheSilverboar
Summary: One-shot. Okay this is a major CRACK fic. where the power the Dark Lord knows not is Axe deodorant. Just read it and it will all make sense.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay everybody this is my first one-shot and it is a major CRACK fic. It just popped into my head and demanded to be written so here it is for your reading pleasure. If any one wishes to adopt this story to turn it into a full story just send me a PM and tell me the new title that you will use. **

**Results for the polls:**

**Poll 1: Power of Anger**

**Poll 2: Option two**

Harry Potter and the Power of the Axe

Harry and the team had just finished their first quiditch practice of the year, stepping out of the shower he pulled out a can of deodorant he had gotten over the summer. "What you got there Harry?" Fred asked curiously.

"A muggle thing I got over the summer. It's supposed to help me get girls." Harry told them with a grin.

"Yeah right Harrikens."

"Muggles may be somewhat clever but I doubt that they can do anything better than a wizard in the noble art of attraction." The twins shared a final laugh before heading back to the castle leaving Harry alone in the men's side of the quiditch lockers.

Uncapping his Axe deodorant Harry started to spray himself down when he heard a flap moving. Turning he saw the three chasers Katie, Alicia, and Angelina as well as the new keeper Miranda walking towards him, sniffing the air with an unholy lust in their eyes. Smirking Harry sprayed a quick spray in their direction, when the scent reached them they pounced ripping off his towel as they went.

-AXE-

-1 HOUR LATER-

Harry was walking towards the castle with one arm draped over Angelina the other over Alicia with Katie and Miranda flanking either side. Walking into the Entrance Hall Harry saw the Weasley twins staring at him with their jaws hanging on the floor, "Harry how did,"

"You do this?" they asked with something akin to awe in their voices.

Smirking Harry simply said "Animal magnetism." Before walking off leaving two dumbstruck twins behind.

-AXE-

-THE CHAMPIONS SELECTION-

Harry sat in between Katie and Miranda with Angelina and Alicia across form him waiting for the Goblet of Fire to select the Champions. Down the table Ron and Hermione glared at him, Ron out of jealousy from Harry sitting with four beautiful women, and Hermione because Harry refused to forgive Ron for insulting the girls. Suddenly the Goblet spat out a name that was caught by Dumbledore, "The Durmstrang Champion is… Viktor Krum!", Harry nodded expecting as much. A second parchment shot out, "The Beauxbatons champion is… Fleur Delacour!" Harry raised an eyebrow _'Veela,'_ he thought _'this will be interesting'_. Finally the third name shot out, "The Hogwarts champion is… Cedric Diggory!", _'good on him,' _Harry thought _'Hufflepuff could use some glory'_. Suddenly a fourth name shot out of the Goblet, "Harry Potter?" Dumbledore called out in surprise. Narrowing his eyes Harry walked down to the trophy room, as an afterthought he quickly sprayed himself down with Axe and then entered the room with the other champions.

Turning the French champion Fleur said "Vat iz it? Do zey…" before sniffing the air and her eyes adopting a glazed look, sauntering over she grabbed his face and proceeded to snog him senseless.

Suddenly footsteps could be heard running towards them and Dumbledore saying "Harry did you put…" but stopping when he saw what was going on.

"Fleur!" Madame Maxime exclaimed in shock "What are you…" before sniffing the air, nodded, and said "Carry on." getting a thumbs up in response from Fleur.

Shaking out of his stupor Dumbledore asked "Harry did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?".

"No." Harry gasped out before diving back into his 'discussion' with Fleur **(A/N: A discussion is a conversation between two or more people through the mouth and tongue so this fits!)**.

"The rules say he must compete." Crouch said half-heartedly.

"Whatever." was Harry's only response as his attention was devoted to a far more important task.

Let's go everyone," Professor McGonagall said resignedly, "if the rumors of today in the Quiditch Locker Rooms are true then they will be like that for a few hours.

-AXE-

-DAY OF FIRST TASK-

The day of the first task had arrived and the very air seemed to hum with excitement. Harry was relaxing by the lake with a couple of his new 'friends', Fleur and the Quiditch girls had introduced him to several other girls from Beauxbatons and the upper years of Hogwarts, so many wonderful new 'friends'. Finally he headed over to the Champions tent to await the task. As soon as he walked in Fleur pulled him over, sat him down, sat in his lap, and initiated one of their amazing snog sessions. After a few minutes the judges walked in and explained how they would have to steal a golden egg from a nesting mother dragon, Harry was to go against a Hungarian Horntail and Fleur a Welsh Green.

Harry and Fleur continued their 'discussion' until Fleur was called out, when she was gone Harry pulled out a can of Axe, sprayed himself down, and walked out to the sound of the cannon. The dragon was massive, she stood on her hind legs and began to roar a challenge when she sniffed the air and began nuzzling Harry like a kitten would. Smirking at the shocked expressions of the audience he walked over, plucked up the egg, and walked out with a dragon following him like a faithful pet.

-AXE-

-YULE BALL-

Harry sat at his private table looking at his many dates which were Fleur, the Quiditch girls, Cho Chang, every Hufflepuff girl form his year up, Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis, the Patil twins, Penelope Clearwater, Professor Sinistra, Madame Rosmerta, and half of the Beauxbatons contingent. Professor McGonagall had thrown a fit at first but when he pointed out that it was completely within the rules she relented muttering about how his father would be both proud and jealous. All throughout the night every male without a date, which was about half of them, glared at Harry and his wonderful Harem. Letting out a sigh of pleasure Harry leaned back and closed his eyes, yes life was very good for Harry Potter.

-AXE-

-SECOND TASK-

Harry walked down to the lake with a swagger in his step. It had taken little time to solve the egg's riddle once his entire Harem helped him and Hogwarts herself gave him a book of rituals that would let him breath underwater and swim faster, all she wanted was to join his Harem whenever she took a human form. Walking down in his swim trunks and covered in specially made waterproof Axe he then proceeded to snog Fleur until the task started. Once the cannon went off he jumped in and swam to the village of the merepeople, upon arriving he was greeted by the merechieftess who, unlike her fellow merepeople, fit the stereotypical mermaid image of beautiful woman form the waist up and fish from the waist down.

She seemed to be about to say something before she sniffed the water, adopted the now common glazed look, grabbed him, and gave him the best underwater snog he had ever experienced… that it was his first is irrelevant. Grabbing his hand she lead him over to the hostages and he untied Penelope, the girls had drawn lots beforehand, and swam up the surface with the sleeping girl and giggling mermaid. Breaking the surface Penelope gasped, turned around, grabbed Harry, and began snogging him while the merechieftess seemed determined to give him a large collection of hickeys.

"Of course," he vaguely heard Bagman mutter, "if it is female and has a pulse it is attracted to this boy.". Harry was then carried to the castle by a swarm of girls after the merechieftess blew him a good-bye kiss and sank below the water.

-AXE-

-THIRD TASK-

Harry walked down to the quiditch stadium to compete in the final task of the Tournament. "Attention everyone!" Dumbledore called out gesturing the contestants up onto the stage. "For our final task we have a maze set up filled with obstacles for the champions to get through. The centaur herd from the forbidden forest has kindly agreed to offer a guide to each of the champions who must decide whether or not to trust their advice. Will the centaur guides please step forward and select your champions. Harry noticed a young female centaur that looked about seventeen walking forward sniffing the air, smirking Harry thought _'here we go again'_ before the centaur let out a squeal and rushed towards Harry scooping him up into a hug. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, Harry was at chest level with her from standing on the stage.

"Merida!" an angry male centaur called out "What are you…".

"Let it go Bane." Dumbledore said "Every female no-matter the species as long as they're breathing is attracted to that boy.

Escaping from the centaurs encompassing chest Harry said "I think I found my guide Professor.".

Sighing Dumbledore said "Go, just go.". Turning Harry and Miranda the centaur entered the maze. With Miranda's help Harry quickly made it through the maze till the only obstacle left was a Sphinx's riddle.

The Sphinx was a lion from the waist down and a beautiful woman from the waist up with olive skin and ebony locks. Smiling down at him the sphinx said "You are close to you goal young champion, the quickest path to your prize is through me. To pass you must…" she began sniffing the air before grabbing him and pulling him up into a kiss while Miranda began to unzip his pants.

-AXE-

-THE GRAVEYARD-

Harry watched while Voldemort gave his speech to his followers before saying "You aren't so tough Voldemort. In fact I bet I could beat you with two pieces of muggle plastic.".

Voldemort and his Death Eaters laughed condescendingly at this before Voldemort gestured for silence, "untie him Wormtail and set aside his wand so it is not damaged in his 'mighty muggle attack'. I will even give him a free shot.".

Dropping to the ground Harry pulled out his weapons, his trusty can of Axe and… a lighter. Walking up to Voldemort Harry held up the lighter, clicked it, and sprayed the Axe. The Death Eaters fled as Voldemort fell to the ground screaming, all except Wormtail who we himself, turned to run, and knocked himself out running into the Riddle family tomb. Picking up his wand he tied up the whimpering Voldemort and Wormtail (after washing them off to ensure that only he had the glorious power of Axe) and portkeyed back to Hogwarts.

-AXE-

-ON THE EXPRESS-

Harry leaned back in his seat in the expanded compartment where his Harem (minus the merechieftess, the sphinx, and Miranda who portkeyed over to his and Sirius' new home) sat with him. The Harem now included every girl from Hogwarts in his year and up (minus Hermione, who was still mad, and Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode, who were both two loyal to Malfoy), Professor Sinistra, Madame Rosmerta, and every girl from Beauxbatons. "So Harry," Angelina said gaining his attention, "What are you going to do when you meet our fathers?". Paling Harry wrote a quick note to Sirius and sent it off with Hedwig before entering in a group 'discussion' which put all other thoughts out of his mind.

-AXE-

-PLATFORM 9 ¾-

As soon as Harry exited the train he took off grabbing Sirius and as they ran he heard a man ask "who was that?".

"Our boyfriend." Penelope told him resounding in an angry chorus of "WHAT"'s from the surrounding fathers. And the chase was on.

-MINI OMAKE-

Harry and Miranda entered the maze and were soon in a clearing where roughly thirty leather clad women armed with spears were waiting for them. One of them stepped forward "Champion I am Hippolyta queen of the Amazons and you must…" before she and her fellow warriors adopted the glazed look that brought so much pleasure into Harry's life and they rushed at him throwing their spears, and clothes, aside as they ran.


	2. Omake

**I got this idea when a reviewer mentioned how funny if this Harry met the hunters of Artemis.**

Omake

Harry Potter/Percy Jackson Crossover

-Harry-

Harry was just setting up his tent for his vacation in Yellow Stone National Park when he heard a growling, turning he saw a large black dog the size of a rhino coming towards him eyeing him angrily, rolling his eyes Harry shot a reducto at its head and watched in surprise as the creature turned into a pile of golden sand. Suddenly two very attractive girls in silvery camouflage came out of the trees with bows and pissed off expressions, "How dare you interfere in our hunt boy?" the first, a blonde, asked angrily while the second, a raven haired girl, looked at him warily.

Harry raised an eyebrow, "So you expected me to just sit back and let it try to eat me? Not going to happen." he said sarcastically while silently hoping that his axe would work on girls that weren't magical, who would have thought that his body released pheromones that when mixed with that particular deodorant would make him all but a man veela… oh well he wasn't complaining.

"I, uh…. I…uuuuuug." the blonde stammered as she and her friend started sniffing the air and drooling while Harry smirked, oh how he loved axe.

A couple of hours later a very disheveled Harry was walking with two equally disheveled girls under each of his arms as they lead him to their camp. Suddenly an arrow flew out of the trees, striking the ground just ahead of the small group, "Who are you to be so close to my hunters like this?" the girl who was clearly their leader, a small twelve year girl with auburn hair, demanded.

Harry snarled and drew his wand, "Who are _you_ to dare attack me?" he demanded while subtly spraying some axe with his other hand.

"I am Artemis, goddess of the hunt and you… and you…" the girl began before falling silent, giving him a hungry look, grew to look like a twenty year old woman, and she and the other teenage girls behind her charged him.

-On Olympus-

The gods of Olympus were assembled around a viewing globe in the council room as they watched Lady Artemis break her oath of maiden hood. Suddenly a black rift appeared in the room and a woman with pale skin and midnight black hair walked out of it, "Where is Artemis!" she yelled angrily, "How dare she… wow." the woman trailed off looking at the viewing sphere and saw what was going on. "Screw the oath I want in on that!" the goddess of the river Styx called out before vanishing and reappearing on the viewing globe as naked as Artemis and her hunters.

After a moment Lady Aphrodite yelled "Wait for me!" before she too vanished only to appear on the globe along with all of her single demigod daughters as well as Hecate the goddess of magic

"Are we all in agreement to never speak of this again" Zeus demanded and the rest of the council present quickly agreed.

-Potter Manor-

Harry and his new, uh, _friends_ reappeared in a flash of light and Hermione, Fleur, and Daphne walked off. "Really Harry?" Hermione asked, "Can you go anywhere without adding new additions to your Harem?".

"Why would I want to do that?" Harry asked cheekily before saying, "Everyone meet Lady Artemis goddess of the hunt and her hunters, Lady Aphrodite goddess of love and beauty and her demigod daughters, Lady Hecate goddess of magic, and Lady Styx goddess of the river Styx.".

After a moment Fleur asked, "Where's your next _vacation_ going to be?".

Thinking for a moment Harry responded "Well I heard that there is a Veela and Siren convention going on in the Mediterranean next month.

**AN: Okay if anyone has an Omake they wish to have for this story I am willing to look at them and if I like them I will put them in.**

**Possible Omakes so far:**

**Harry meets the Holy Head Harpies**

**Harry goes to the Veela Siren Convention**


End file.
